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The Ahhh Factor:
Ideas & Suggestions for a smooth running and more
meaningful wedding ceremony and reception.
These suggestions come from my experiences of wonderful
weddings.
When you are considering a ritual or ceremony, do it with feeling. This is a unique time to build bridges between families and individuals. If done well, you will hear a collective “Ahhh - how nice” in the audience with each thoughtfully done ritual.
From the very beginning of your planning, read aloud to each other, at least the wedding portion of this book: “From Beginning to End – The Rituals of our lives” by Robert Fulghum, Villard Books - 1995
Each component of the ceremony and reception offers opportunities create fond memories and build closer relationships. There are no rules when it comes to weddings. The “traditional” American wedding was created in England, by the royals in the 1800’s. There is world of wonderful ideas that can be blended to express who you are, not the British Monarchy.
Planning
Have a non family member directing and timing the sequence of events or have a wedding coordinator.
Tensions run high during these times, avoid the suspicion of favoratism.
If nothing is planned, that is exactly what happens. Too many important things don’t happen when you “Let it flow”.
The rehearsal
Practice speaking your vows in front of others who are the same distance as the rear of the sanctuary.
Most people don’t naturally speak loudly enough to be understood very far away. Do you care if your guests understand what you are saying; particularly your elderly relatives? Remember, speaking to a group requires you to speak more slowly and clearly than normal.
Consider alternative positions for the B&G at the ceremony. There are more alternatives then facing the alter and facing each other.
The B&G can stand in a V formation facing the audience: The B&G are one leg, with the minister the other leg of the V.
A pedestal with flowers and or wine is the connecting point. This way, everyone can see the faces of the B&G and everyone’s voices will project out to the guests. At appropriate times during the ceremony, the B&G turn slightly to face each other.
As people gather and wait for the ceremony to begin:
Have music quietly playing in the back ground. If there is a cultural or “old country – nostalgic music” for the B&G or some of the family members, this is a good time to celebrate heritage and family bonds with sentimental tunes.
Have an introduction time before the ceremony, in a lobby area, for all of the family and clergy to be introduced.
Historically weddings were more about the joining of families than about the couple themselves. Take the time in a ritual at the reception to join the families and make sure the couples elders are introduced, recognized and honored to the guests. Your life with them will be much better because of this small detail.
The Ceremony
If at all possible position the bride and groom for the ceremony so that guests can see their faces as much as possible. This also helps in the guests hearing the ceremony.
Most people in a large audience won’t be able to here the ceremony if you don’t speak up or if there aren’t any microphones. Practice your vows with others at certain distances to get an idea of how loudly you need to speak to be heard, especially if you are going to be facing away from your guests
Before or after the ceremony, make sure someone lets the guests know the timing and sequence of events so they can make sure they don’t miss anything. People want to be at the right place to see everything and hate to have to stand around waiting unnecessarily.
Consider having the guests stand in a circle around the wedding party with the attendants in the inner circle.
Have the B&G stand on a platform to be seen.
Use heirloom candlestick holders as your unity candle (do you have past or present relative that have had a long marriage?) - tell your guests about their significance.
Have parents give short vows of support and promise to nurture the relationship with their child new spouse (and family)
A program is a good idea for a wide variety of reason:
1. When you want to recognize family and friends
2. To give guests something to read while they wait for the ceremony to begin.
3. Perhaps include loves poems that aren’t included in the wedding ceremony or an introductory bio of the B&G for guest who only know one of them
4. To give guests their reciting part for the ceremony
5. To include family trees of the B&G
6. To include the toasts of family members who could not attend.
7. Prayers and blessings from the B&G’s religious traditions and family.
8. An explanation of the religious ceremony, ritual objects and things being said in other languages
9. Name and significance of the music
10. the words off the couples vows - most people won't be able to hear them clearly at the ceremony
11. Biographies of the couple
12.Remembrances of relatives who have recently died and others who could not be at the events.
Cake
Plan cake quantity for 1/2 to 3/4 of the guests & cut it into small or various sized pieces.
Most people are full by the time the cake is served. In virtually every wedding there is a great deal of cake leftover.
Have someone who will pick up spilled frosting before it gets ground into the carpeting.
The groom’s cake is often ignored and seldom eaten. Make a ritual of it or eliminate it. What are you trying to say or symbolize
by having it? What do you want the wedding and groom’s cake to symbolize? Express it’s meaning for you to the guests.
Be sure everyone is gathered around the cake and other reception ceremonies and they can see and hear what is going on. Take this time to also thank the guests and family for coming and being a part of your lives.
Say something to the guests about what you would like the wedding cake to represent.
IE the sweetness of love and what marriage can be.
The bride & groom should practice how the cake will be cut and fed to each other. I consider pushing a piece of cake into each others mouth a hostile act. The way you give each other the cake represents the way you relate to each other to many people.
What message are you trying to send by having a grooms cake? Express this meaning to the guests.
Dancing
Request that certain people start to dance early in the reception to get dancing started. Most people are to shy to be the first and only people on the dance floor. They revert to Junior High school dance mentality. People usually wait until the bridal couple and a few other friends start to dance before the rest will join in. IF you want dancing to start early in the reception, have some close friends get it started early. This is especially true if the reception is as much a family reunion as wedding event.
Plan and insist that the band or DJ play music at a level that allows for people to socialize in the room, without yelling at each other. Sometimes the speakers can be positioned to direct the music only onto the dance floor and facing the band or DJ.
Have them show you in advance what level they play at and to only change it if the wedding coordinator tells them to.
Remember that a room full of dancing people create a great deal of additional heat in a room. Plan to have the thermostats adjusted, doors opened or fans turned up when the dancing is underway. Have water easily accessible.
Plan the first dance, do you want to finish the whole song or have parents cut in part way through? Have someone invite guests to join in after parents or other relatives have had their turn.
If you are planning any kind of ethnic dancing, hire someone to help lead and teach the guests. The farther each generation gets from their immigrant roots the more important this becomes, especially in mixed marriages.
Food
Have gallon sized zip-lock bags, foil and plastic wrap ready to take home food and cake. Have designated people to take them home to a refrigerator that has been cleared out for expected leftovers. Will leftovers be frozen for the future or served for after wedding activities?
Kitchen trash bags are great for wrapping up & moving/stacking trays of food: much better than plastic wrap.
If there is a family member who makes a special food, , you might arrange for them to make it early and have someone give it to the caterer to be served as one of those family binding and fond memory traditions Have a special note card next to the platter/bowl/tray explaining that it is Aunt Molly’s Magic Whatever.
Have the caterer put a descriptive note card next to dishes and sauces that are not obvious. People have allergies – be aware of them when choosing dishes. You might have some add-in ingredients on the side. If a dish normally has a certain spice or ingredient in it and you have left it out or have it on the side, let people know with a sign
Very little coffee is drunk in a buffet style food service. Provide hot water and high quality coffee and tea bags for variety.
On warm days and evenings, very little coffee will be consumed. People want cool drinks to sooth their throats from so much talking and their bodies from the dancing.
Be sure to provide pitchers of ice water as an alternative to high calorie punch and alcohol.
Plan for vegetarian and low salt foods – label them
For a low cost wedding, have a potluck reception, with the food as the guests gift.
Have someone make an identification card to put with each dish as it is brought.
Have someone assigned to arrange and keep the buffet table looking neat and full.
Make sure that all platters and bowls brought to the church have name labels on them. (some people will forget to pick up their dishes and you won’t know who owns them.
Alcohol
Have someone assigned to monitor and control any over drinking or disruptive behavior.
Plan in advance for designated drivers of people who are likely to drink to much.
Gifts
Plan who is going to take the gifts to the place to be opened. Make sure you have someone recording who gave each gift as you open them and that they write the gift given on the card. to make sure thank you card writing goes more easily.
Ask that a special service to you be the gift from someone who can’t afford to buy a gift.
Misc.
Have someone’s gift be that the Bride & Grooms’ home is cleaned during the wedding/reception so they come home to a clean and straightened house that is often left in disarray when getting ready for the wedding.
Music
Have you timed the length of your ceremony songs with the time it takes to walk down the isle? Sometimes people end up standing for excessive time while the music finishes. Choose songs with their length in mind.
Make sure there is one person assigned to determine control the volume of the music played. All band leaders and Disc jockeys have hearing loss and do not realize the true volume of the sound. Also the volume of music is like the temperature. Determine what volume you want in advance. Do you intend it to be background music? Do you want the elders to not be able to hear each other talk at their tables? Does the mix of the songs give everyone something to dance to? Are there more slow songs early in the evening when people are still smelling fresh?
The band leader or DJ using the microphone to call people to a ceremony is not enough. Someone needs to physically round up people. They get so caught up in conversation in other rooms that an announcement does not get understood or heard.
Have recorded, soft background music for the setup and cleanup time.
Photography
Do as many family pictures before the ceremony as possible.
Do you want the click of the photographers camera going on during the entire ceremony?
Plan to have after ceremony pictures done in a side room if possible.
Do you want the photographer to document what you did as well as create staged shots of things you would never naturally do?
Reception - misc.
Guests often only know one of the wedding party. Have a bulletin board of old photos of the B&G, include small family trees of the B&G so that families get to know each other more easily. Collect photos of important family members early and put their names and photos together on the bulletin board. Create family trees of the B&G to make it easier for families and friends to get to know each other I have seen many a grandparent or great grand aunt sitting by themselves at a reception without any recognition by the others familyA picture board and a family tree diagram will help with the meeting and greeting of family and friends
Staying fresh, taken care of and relaxed
Have someone assigned to the B&G as their special assistant to bring food, drinks, napkins to wipe sweat from dancing, tell them the time and direct them where and when they need to be for the next activity.
In many traditions, the B&G sit in special chairs on a platform, like the King & Queen of the day. The guests come up to greet them. This helps keep the B&G more relaxed and comfortable.
Plan who will get table decorations or have a lottery of some sort. First choice goes to the person with the decoration under their plate.
Plan where the bride & groom will stand, if there is to be a reception line, often the line bottlenecks a doorway or restricts the flow of traffic.
Make sure the important elders are in a place to see and be seen and recognized.
Have special chairs of honor set up in front for honored elders.
Rehearsal
Rehearse positions of people in the wedding party and timing of the processional speed before getting to the rehearsal.
This can shorten the rehearsal time from 3 hours to one.
Be sure to let the photographer and videographer know the timing and sequence of events so they will be positioned and ready.
Tell the guests about heirloom objects used in the service or reception to remember certain relatives. (grandma’s candlesticks)
Display and label photographs of loved ones, living and dead, who could not attend the wedding.
Recognize your godparents if they are important to you
Bouquet
Practice throwing the bouquet and garter belt (most don’t make it to the group of catchers. think about who you would like to catch it, look for them before you toss to estimate direction and strength of the throw.
Consider an alternate where you give a flower out of your bouquet to each eligible woman and say that you wish that each one could find someone as wonderful as your new husband.
Garter
The groom can give a small, wrapped, meaningful book to the eligible men in a ceremony, instead of the tradition garter toss. He also should write or get help writing something mushy and meaningful to say to the men about how fortunate he is to find such a wonderful partner. Keep it a secret and write it down. It works well to read it slowly and with feeling. If properly done, the bride will be in tears of joy & you will have elevated your status as a husband by several notches. Don’t have kids involved.
If you decide to do the garter toss, decide what you want the garter ceremony to mean and express it to your guests. Is there a better and more meaningful way to say & do that?
Toasts
Have people who are doing toasts, write them down; they will be much better. Have someone help the non expressive toasters to write something that will be meaningful to them, put it on note cards.
Bride and groom should write down toasts to each other. Most people forget what they want to say due to the excitement and tension of the time.
Bride and groom should thank guests and friends for being a part of their special day and thank parents for ...
Have a microphone set up for toasts and ask toasters to use it, most people don’t speak loud enough in public and many just don't like to use them and don't use them correctly. They are often to close or to far away.
Write down a really mushy toast to your new spouse and don’t share it with them before hand. It’s a gift that will last for many years.
Most people buy far too much champagne. Have people who pour it, just put in enough for a sip at the toast.
Decide if you will do the toasts to each other or cut the cake first.
Dave Savage - Memory Keepers Video Services and ceremony consultant
dave@davesavage.com 404 323-8686 www.MemoryKeepersVideo.com
When you are considering a ritual or ceremony, do it with feeling. This is a unique time to build bridges between families and individuals. If done well, you will hear a collective “Ahhh - how nice” in the audience with each thoughtfully done ritual.
From the very beginning of your planning, read aloud to each other, at least the wedding portion of this book: “From Beginning to End – The Rituals of our lives” by Robert Fulghum, Villard Books - 1995
Each component of the ceremony and reception offers opportunities create fond memories and build closer relationships. There are no rules when it comes to weddings. The “traditional” American wedding was created in England, by the royals in the 1800’s. There is world of wonderful ideas that can be blended to express who you are, not the British Monarchy.
Planning
Have a non family member directing and timing the sequence of events or have a wedding coordinator.
Tensions run high during these times, avoid the suspicion of favoratism.
If nothing is planned, that is exactly what happens. Too many important things don’t happen when you “Let it flow”.
The rehearsal
Practice speaking your vows in front of others who are the same distance as the rear of the sanctuary.
Most people don’t naturally speak loudly enough to be understood very far away. Do you care if your guests understand what you are saying; particularly your elderly relatives? Remember, speaking to a group requires you to speak more slowly and clearly than normal.
Consider alternative positions for the B&G at the ceremony. There are more alternatives then facing the alter and facing each other.
The B&G can stand in a V formation facing the audience: The B&G are one leg, with the minister the other leg of the V.
A pedestal with flowers and or wine is the connecting point. This way, everyone can see the faces of the B&G and everyone’s voices will project out to the guests. At appropriate times during the ceremony, the B&G turn slightly to face each other.
As people gather and wait for the ceremony to begin:
Have music quietly playing in the back ground. If there is a cultural or “old country – nostalgic music” for the B&G or some of the family members, this is a good time to celebrate heritage and family bonds with sentimental tunes.
Have an introduction time before the ceremony, in a lobby area, for all of the family and clergy to be introduced.
Historically weddings were more about the joining of families than about the couple themselves. Take the time in a ritual at the reception to join the families and make sure the couples elders are introduced, recognized and honored to the guests. Your life with them will be much better because of this small detail.
The Ceremony
If at all possible position the bride and groom for the ceremony so that guests can see their faces as much as possible. This also helps in the guests hearing the ceremony.
Most people in a large audience won’t be able to here the ceremony if you don’t speak up or if there aren’t any microphones. Practice your vows with others at certain distances to get an idea of how loudly you need to speak to be heard, especially if you are going to be facing away from your guests
Before or after the ceremony, make sure someone lets the guests know the timing and sequence of events so they can make sure they don’t miss anything. People want to be at the right place to see everything and hate to have to stand around waiting unnecessarily.
Consider having the guests stand in a circle around the wedding party with the attendants in the inner circle.
Have the B&G stand on a platform to be seen.
Use heirloom candlestick holders as your unity candle (do you have past or present relative that have had a long marriage?) - tell your guests about their significance.
Have parents give short vows of support and promise to nurture the relationship with their child new spouse (and family)
A program is a good idea for a wide variety of reason:
1. When you want to recognize family and friends
2. To give guests something to read while they wait for the ceremony to begin.
3. Perhaps include loves poems that aren’t included in the wedding ceremony or an introductory bio of the B&G for guest who only know one of them
4. To give guests their reciting part for the ceremony
5. To include family trees of the B&G
6. To include the toasts of family members who could not attend.
7. Prayers and blessings from the B&G’s religious traditions and family.
8. An explanation of the religious ceremony, ritual objects and things being said in other languages
9. Name and significance of the music
10. the words off the couples vows - most people won't be able to hear them clearly at the ceremony
11. Biographies of the couple
12.Remembrances of relatives who have recently died and others who could not be at the events.
Cake
Plan cake quantity for 1/2 to 3/4 of the guests & cut it into small or various sized pieces.
Most people are full by the time the cake is served. In virtually every wedding there is a great deal of cake leftover.
Have someone who will pick up spilled frosting before it gets ground into the carpeting.
The groom’s cake is often ignored and seldom eaten. Make a ritual of it or eliminate it. What are you trying to say or symbolize
by having it? What do you want the wedding and groom’s cake to symbolize? Express it’s meaning for you to the guests.
Be sure everyone is gathered around the cake and other reception ceremonies and they can see and hear what is going on. Take this time to also thank the guests and family for coming and being a part of your lives.
Say something to the guests about what you would like the wedding cake to represent.
IE the sweetness of love and what marriage can be.
The bride & groom should practice how the cake will be cut and fed to each other. I consider pushing a piece of cake into each others mouth a hostile act. The way you give each other the cake represents the way you relate to each other to many people.
What message are you trying to send by having a grooms cake? Express this meaning to the guests.
Dancing
Request that certain people start to dance early in the reception to get dancing started. Most people are to shy to be the first and only people on the dance floor. They revert to Junior High school dance mentality. People usually wait until the bridal couple and a few other friends start to dance before the rest will join in. IF you want dancing to start early in the reception, have some close friends get it started early. This is especially true if the reception is as much a family reunion as wedding event.
Plan and insist that the band or DJ play music at a level that allows for people to socialize in the room, without yelling at each other. Sometimes the speakers can be positioned to direct the music only onto the dance floor and facing the band or DJ.
Have them show you in advance what level they play at and to only change it if the wedding coordinator tells them to.
Remember that a room full of dancing people create a great deal of additional heat in a room. Plan to have the thermostats adjusted, doors opened or fans turned up when the dancing is underway. Have water easily accessible.
Plan the first dance, do you want to finish the whole song or have parents cut in part way through? Have someone invite guests to join in after parents or other relatives have had their turn.
If you are planning any kind of ethnic dancing, hire someone to help lead and teach the guests. The farther each generation gets from their immigrant roots the more important this becomes, especially in mixed marriages.
Food
Have gallon sized zip-lock bags, foil and plastic wrap ready to take home food and cake. Have designated people to take them home to a refrigerator that has been cleared out for expected leftovers. Will leftovers be frozen for the future or served for after wedding activities?
Kitchen trash bags are great for wrapping up & moving/stacking trays of food: much better than plastic wrap.
If there is a family member who makes a special food, , you might arrange for them to make it early and have someone give it to the caterer to be served as one of those family binding and fond memory traditions Have a special note card next to the platter/bowl/tray explaining that it is Aunt Molly’s Magic Whatever.
Have the caterer put a descriptive note card next to dishes and sauces that are not obvious. People have allergies – be aware of them when choosing dishes. You might have some add-in ingredients on the side. If a dish normally has a certain spice or ingredient in it and you have left it out or have it on the side, let people know with a sign
Very little coffee is drunk in a buffet style food service. Provide hot water and high quality coffee and tea bags for variety.
On warm days and evenings, very little coffee will be consumed. People want cool drinks to sooth their throats from so much talking and their bodies from the dancing.
Be sure to provide pitchers of ice water as an alternative to high calorie punch and alcohol.
Plan for vegetarian and low salt foods – label them
For a low cost wedding, have a potluck reception, with the food as the guests gift.
Have someone make an identification card to put with each dish as it is brought.
Have someone assigned to arrange and keep the buffet table looking neat and full.
Make sure that all platters and bowls brought to the church have name labels on them. (some people will forget to pick up their dishes and you won’t know who owns them.
Alcohol
Have someone assigned to monitor and control any over drinking or disruptive behavior.
Plan in advance for designated drivers of people who are likely to drink to much.
Gifts
Plan who is going to take the gifts to the place to be opened. Make sure you have someone recording who gave each gift as you open them and that they write the gift given on the card. to make sure thank you card writing goes more easily.
Ask that a special service to you be the gift from someone who can’t afford to buy a gift.
Misc.
Have someone’s gift be that the Bride & Grooms’ home is cleaned during the wedding/reception so they come home to a clean and straightened house that is often left in disarray when getting ready for the wedding.
Music
Have you timed the length of your ceremony songs with the time it takes to walk down the isle? Sometimes people end up standing for excessive time while the music finishes. Choose songs with their length in mind.
Make sure there is one person assigned to determine control the volume of the music played. All band leaders and Disc jockeys have hearing loss and do not realize the true volume of the sound. Also the volume of music is like the temperature. Determine what volume you want in advance. Do you intend it to be background music? Do you want the elders to not be able to hear each other talk at their tables? Does the mix of the songs give everyone something to dance to? Are there more slow songs early in the evening when people are still smelling fresh?
The band leader or DJ using the microphone to call people to a ceremony is not enough. Someone needs to physically round up people. They get so caught up in conversation in other rooms that an announcement does not get understood or heard.
Have recorded, soft background music for the setup and cleanup time.
Photography
Do as many family pictures before the ceremony as possible.
Do you want the click of the photographers camera going on during the entire ceremony?
Plan to have after ceremony pictures done in a side room if possible.
Do you want the photographer to document what you did as well as create staged shots of things you would never naturally do?
Reception - misc.
Guests often only know one of the wedding party. Have a bulletin board of old photos of the B&G, include small family trees of the B&G so that families get to know each other more easily. Collect photos of important family members early and put their names and photos together on the bulletin board. Create family trees of the B&G to make it easier for families and friends to get to know each other I have seen many a grandparent or great grand aunt sitting by themselves at a reception without any recognition by the others familyA picture board and a family tree diagram will help with the meeting and greeting of family and friends
Staying fresh, taken care of and relaxed
Have someone assigned to the B&G as their special assistant to bring food, drinks, napkins to wipe sweat from dancing, tell them the time and direct them where and when they need to be for the next activity.
In many traditions, the B&G sit in special chairs on a platform, like the King & Queen of the day. The guests come up to greet them. This helps keep the B&G more relaxed and comfortable.
Plan who will get table decorations or have a lottery of some sort. First choice goes to the person with the decoration under their plate.
Plan where the bride & groom will stand, if there is to be a reception line, often the line bottlenecks a doorway or restricts the flow of traffic.
Make sure the important elders are in a place to see and be seen and recognized.
Have special chairs of honor set up in front for honored elders.
Rehearsal
Rehearse positions of people in the wedding party and timing of the processional speed before getting to the rehearsal.
This can shorten the rehearsal time from 3 hours to one.
Be sure to let the photographer and videographer know the timing and sequence of events so they will be positioned and ready.
Tell the guests about heirloom objects used in the service or reception to remember certain relatives. (grandma’s candlesticks)
Display and label photographs of loved ones, living and dead, who could not attend the wedding.
Recognize your godparents if they are important to you
Bouquet
Practice throwing the bouquet and garter belt (most don’t make it to the group of catchers. think about who you would like to catch it, look for them before you toss to estimate direction and strength of the throw.
Consider an alternate where you give a flower out of your bouquet to each eligible woman and say that you wish that each one could find someone as wonderful as your new husband.
Garter
The groom can give a small, wrapped, meaningful book to the eligible men in a ceremony, instead of the tradition garter toss. He also should write or get help writing something mushy and meaningful to say to the men about how fortunate he is to find such a wonderful partner. Keep it a secret and write it down. It works well to read it slowly and with feeling. If properly done, the bride will be in tears of joy & you will have elevated your status as a husband by several notches. Don’t have kids involved.
If you decide to do the garter toss, decide what you want the garter ceremony to mean and express it to your guests. Is there a better and more meaningful way to say & do that?
Toasts
Have people who are doing toasts, write them down; they will be much better. Have someone help the non expressive toasters to write something that will be meaningful to them, put it on note cards.
Bride and groom should write down toasts to each other. Most people forget what they want to say due to the excitement and tension of the time.
Bride and groom should thank guests and friends for being a part of their special day and thank parents for ...
Have a microphone set up for toasts and ask toasters to use it, most people don’t speak loud enough in public and many just don't like to use them and don't use them correctly. They are often to close or to far away.
Write down a really mushy toast to your new spouse and don’t share it with them before hand. It’s a gift that will last for many years.
Most people buy far too much champagne. Have people who pour it, just put in enough for a sip at the toast.
Decide if you will do the toasts to each other or cut the cake first.
Dave Savage - Memory Keepers Video Services and ceremony consultant
dave@davesavage.com 404 323-8686 www.MemoryKeepersVideo.com